YA Literature Chapter Seven

Dr. Seuss meets Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary,

As I sat, all drunk and teary,

Reading many a volume from some best-forgotten bore,

As I nodded, nearly napping,

Suddenly there came a rapping

As of someone cussing and crapping, rapping at my chamber door—

“Tis some damned gangsta,” I muttered, “rapping at my chamber door.  I hate rap music—it’s what I deplore!”

 

Seizing a ballbat I crept to my door, threw it open, and yelled “Aha!”

There was nothing there—Humbug!  Bah!

Suddenly there came a rapping, as of someone gently tapping, tapping upon my window pane.

“It’s not a rapper after all!  It’s a tap dancer who’s come to call.  I hate tap dancers worst of all!  They’re quite insane, what a pain!”

So I crept to my window and tore open the drape, threw up the sash, my mouth all agape. 

 

Out of the night’s plutonian void jumped a pest worse than an inflamed hemorrhoid. 

‘Twas a bird—a black one.  He jumped on my desk, that crow did.

 

 

Taken aback, I let out a shriek as I gazed at his eyes and his sharp little beak.

“Devil!” yelled I.  “Thing of evil—what are you doing here?  For what do you seek?”

The ebony visitor peered my way with fiery reddish eyes for a minute or more,

Before he croaked, “Hit the floor!”

 

My nerves, they were shot.  My forehead was hot.  My head was spinning like a drunken sot.

I fell to the floor—I like it not!  I obeyed the bird’s order like a compliant robot.

Before I could think, my face pressed the rug.

I looked up, sheepish, and I gave a giant shrug.

“I meant to do that, you black, feathered lug; I wanted to closer examine a bug.”

I was very distraught—I needed a hug.  I had obeyed the bird’s orders, no more willpower than a slug!

The awful avian eyed me once more, opened his beak and croaked, “Hit the floor!”

Before I could reason, before I could think, I felt my face hit the carpet and sink.

I’d obeyed the blasted bird, just as before, and I threw a shoe at it, but it just hit the door.

I was mad at myself, I was furious—I was sore!

 

Every time that bird spoke, I took a dive, I hit the deck, I had to duck.

“What kind of bird are you, crow?  My life it does suck!”

“What power do you have over me?  What the—LUCK!”

Many months have now passed, since my life took this turn.

My face is red—not embarrassed—it’s carpet burn.

I fear I’ll continue jumping forevermore

Whenever the crow croaks, “Hit the floor.”

Poe Meets Dr. Seuss

Crazy, I am?  Go suck on some Spam!

I’m as sane as you, you big fat ham!

I’ve got lots of sense…

I’m not dense.

But I must admit...sometimes I’m tense.

What you mistake for insanity

Is something unique, known only to me—

I hear better than others, don’t you see?

So keep that in mind as I tell my story.

 

I loved the old man, I loved him—I did!

No father was ever loved more by his own kid.

But he had a weird eye,

So he had to die!

 

At midnight I stuck my head in his door,

But was rewarded with nothing but the sound of his snore.

Eight times I did this, stealthy and sly,

I’m a criminal genius, I tell you no lie!

 

But on the eighth night, I caught him awake!

He lay in his bed, and man, did he shake!

“Who’s there?  Who is it” he asked with a shout,

And murmers of terror he did sputter and spout.

 

I aimed my lantern right at his eye—

That evil, vulture eye.  He had to die!

But suddenly there came to my ear

A rhythmic sound I strained to hear.

Ker-thump, ker-thump, blippity-bump,

I tried to swallow, but my throat had a lump.

The old man’s heart went bippity-thump,

And he let out a shriek as I made my jump.

 

I soared through the air with the greatest of ease,

And I grabbed his throat, and like a vise I did squeeze.

Ker-thump, ker-thump, bippity-bump,

The old man’s heart soon ceased its pump,

And I knew that the body I would have to dump.

 

I released my grip and I grabbed a sharp knife

And I cut up the man I had deprived of life.

I sliced off his head, his legs and his nose,

I cut off his fingers and all of his toes.

I pried up the floorboards and in I did slide

The body parts that I needed to hide.

I fixed the floor, and I started to clean.

When I was done, no blood could be seen!

 

Later that day, the cops came to call.

I greeted them kindly, brought them into the hall.

My neighbors complained of a shout in the night;

It was mine! I told them, the result of a fright.

The old man was gone, but all was well.

In his bedroom, we sat to chat for a spell.

But as we talked, I heard a ker-thump…

And then a ker-thump and a bippity-bump.

Louder and louder...from my chair I did jump.

In my pants I took a quick dump.

“Pry up the floorboards and take me away!”

I’m really not crazy...no matter what you say!

 

YA Literature Chapter 12