Poe Meets Dr. Seuss

Crazy, I am?  Go suck on some Spam!

I’m as sane as you, you big fat ham!

I’ve got lots of sense…

I’m not dense.

But I must admit...sometimes I’m tense.

What you mistake for insanity

Is something unique, known only to me—

I hear better than others, don’t you see?

So keep that in mind as I tell my story.

 

I loved the old man, I loved him—I did!

No father was ever loved more by his own kid.

But he had a weird eye,

So he had to die!

 

At midnight I stuck my head in his door,

But was rewarded with nothing but the sound of his snore.

Eight times I did this, stealthy and sly,

I’m a criminal genius, I tell you no lie!

 

But on the eighth night, I caught him awake!

He lay in his bed, and man, did he shake!

“Who’s there?  Who is it” he asked with a shout,

And murmers of terror he did sputter and spout.

 

I aimed my lantern right at his eye—

That evil, vulture eye.  He had to die!

But suddenly there came to my ear

A rhythmic sound I strained to hear.

Ker-thump, ker-thump, blippity-bump,

I tried to swallow, but my throat had a lump.

The old man’s heart went bippity-thump,

And he let out a shriek as I made my jump.

 

I soared through the air with the greatest of ease,

And I grabbed his throat, and like a vise I did squeeze.

Ker-thump, ker-thump, bippity-bump,

The old man’s heart soon ceased its pump,

And I knew that the body I would have to dump.

 

I released my grip and I grabbed a sharp knife

And I cut up the man I had deprived of life.

I sliced off his head, his legs and his nose,

I cut off his fingers and all of his toes.

I pried up the floorboards and in I did slide

The body parts that I needed to hide.

I fixed the floor, and I started to clean.

When I was done, no blood could be seen!

 

Later that day, the cops came to call.

I greeted them kindly, brought them into the hall.

My neighbors complained of a shout in the night;

It was mine! I told them, the result of a fright.

The old man was gone, but all was well.

In his bedroom, we sat to chat for a spell.

But as we talked, I heard a ker-thump…

And then a ker-thump and a bippity-bump.

Louder and louder...from my chair I did jump.

In my pants I took a quick dump.

“Pry up the floorboards and take me away!”

I’m really not crazy...no matter what you say!